sigh

So tomorrow is going to be a big day because I have a very scary decision to make that I'm ready to make. So all I ask is for the 11 followers to actually give a shout out to their high being for me.

I've been panicking all day. I woke up on the edge of a panic attack. The messed up thing was I thought I was doing better with those. The meds should've regulated that and the months in therapy should have given me some sort of strength to deal with this, but you know what? This is situational and since it's been a very long time since I've started feeling/doing the repetitious movements and the clenching/unclenching of fists as well as the racing thoughts, pain in  the chest, can't catch my breath, want to disappear, having an extra beer because tomorrow cannot be faced actions that it's foreign to me.

I will be fine though because I have to be. I will be fine because I need to be. I will be fine because I want to be.

My husband is being super-supportive and I'm trying to be as upbeat as I can about that but with the bad day and the fact that I sprained my ankle (again! same foot in the past 11 years) has been trying. But, I love him and he loves me and we'll make it.

I just felt the need to vent, sorry that this isn't entertaining or mood lifting. I guess I can try to regale you with something:

My new bartender: "Hey, what do you call that useless skin around a penis?"
Me: (very confused and wary) - what?
My new bartender : A man!